How to become more self-aware, the right way?

After understanding what self-awareness actually is and isn’t and being aware of the possible pitfalls we can fall into, it is important to improve our self-awareness the right way.

Start small. Start with your thoughts. Noticing them, naming them, and then letting them go. This is not easy to do and the only way to do that is by keeping an open and non-judgmental mind. Judgement is the enemy of self-awareness whether we are talking about ourselves or our relationship to others. The goal of self-awareness is self-acceptance. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and they are in balance, and we can work on improving our strengths and limiting our weaknesses but if there is no balance then we can work too much on something that in the long run only brings limited positive impact, whereas working on both weaknesses and strengths could bring a more positive outcome in the future.

Also, too much in one direction or the other and we can fall into perfectionism or judgement, which is not sustainable in the long term. Focusing too much on weaknesses may lead to depression. Striking the right balance is important but being aware of our thoughts helps us first to know where we are on the spectrum and then being able to ask the correct questions to get back into balance.

As creatives we often fall on the perfectionist and/or highly self-critical spectrum and that can block us because of the energy spent trying to make something “perfect”. Conversely, our harsh inner critics can prevent us from even starting a project and both can lead to procrastination issues (and not just for creatives either…). Self-awareness can help us manage both.

The best example I found that self-awareness is an important skill to learn for managing our thoughts was this exercise in Russ Harris’s book the Confidence Gap. The exercise goes like this:

• Close your eyes
• Tell yourself “I can’t lift my arms”
• Repeat the thought a couple of times, as much as you need until you believe it.
• Then lift your arms.

Some people will have no trouble and will lift their arms right away. Others, those that can identify with the thought more, and can make themselves believe it, may hesitate but in the end, they will be able to do it. It was an exercise to illustrate the fact that our thoughts can’t actually block us from acting. Whatever we believe, we can act now.

This was eye-opening in many ways for me. How many thoughts have I had that have blocked me from acting? So why not try this exercise and the following as well? No matter what excuse our brain throws our way, self-awareness will help us understand that those important thoughts we think about are just excuses that are preventing us from acting on what we find important, our goals and values.

How can we improve Self-Awareness?

There are a few practices and techniques that can help improve our self-awareness:

• Talk to people/Therapy: Often, the only way to create enough distance between our thoughts/feelings and our self is with the help of another’s perspective. It is hard work and can be expensive but the important thing to remember is that we are worth the effort.
• Practice mindfulness/ Yoga: It helps to be more self-aware of our thoughts, if we can learn to focus on the present moment. The focus on our breathing and what is actually recorded by our five senses with openness and without judgment, can help to create distance between our “self” and our thoughts. Added benefit is that it also the anxious person to be more relaxed and not so constantly on alert.
• Journal: Why does journaling come up so often? Again, by putting thoughts and feelings on paper, it feels as if we are removing them from our minds. If the thoughts are helpful, we can come back to them and work on them and not be afraid of forgetting them. If the thoughts are not helpful, then we can write them down and free up space for more helpful thoughts. It is also easier once you see them written to decide if a thought is helpful or not. Usually, helpful thoughts have actions that can be taken to solve the problem or resolve the situation. Unhelpful thoughts usually just trigger unwanted feelings (like helplessness and hopelessness) and can trigger overthinking loops where we ruminate or worry over these thoughts. Writing them down and realizing that it is what it is can help us break out of the cycle.

The next steps once you start noticing and dealing with your thoughts, is dealing with your feelings. This is also known as emotional intelligence and it is the ability to recognize our emotions and those of others and having the ability to manage them and give them room in our lives without avoiding them, fighting them, or constantly letting them control our actions. It is a very difficult step, but definitely a skill worth learning as well. It is similar to the techniques stated here but instead of focusing on thoughts you focus on your feelings and learn to give them room and accept them for what they are and thus be able to not just react to them but actually consciously decide what to do with them.

Self-Consciousness vs Self-Awareness

Both concepts are very similar and both involve awareness of ourselves, but in the case of self-consciousness it involves a preoccupation of ourself, our emotions and our behaviours. It can lead to unhealthy behaviours and over-vigilance when we feel watched or judged by others. It is important to understand the difference so that you don’t fall into this trap. When we are more self-aware, we can understand when we are feeling self-conscious and we can learn to manage it better and even accept the situations in which it occurs more easily than if we remain only self-conscious. Self-consciousness is normal in certain situations, but if every social interaction leads to this, then self-awareness can make us realise it and perhaps find ways to mitigate it and understand that maybe we are socially anxious, which definitely has us over-vigilant in social situations.

Conclusion

Self-awareness is a good skill to understand and learn. Try the tips above and see if you can improve this skill. It is definitely worth it, though as I mentioned last week (see here), try not to fall into the navel-gazey spiral. It is enough to understand what our thoughts are, what our feelings are and how this leads to patterns of behaviours that we can learn to accept and learn to manage better. The hint here is to practice, practice, practice! It will be hard at first and may even be hurtful, but the final goal is definitely worth it, so don’t give up and give it a go!

Was any of this surprising? Do you think you will start these exercises? If not, why not? Please leave a comment below.

As always thank you for reading!

“Self-awareness doesn’t stop you from making mistakes, it allows you to learn from them.”

– Sunita Sharma

Resources

https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it

https://positivepsychology.com/self-awareness-matters-how-you-can-be-more-self-aware/

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-awareness-2795023

https://markmanson.net/self-awareness

Book (not affiliate – yet)

Harris, Russ and Steven Hayes. The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt Shambhala, 2011.