How to reconstruct stress and increase resilience?

After learning to understand what stress is and how to deconstruct it (see here if you missed last week’s post) using the stressors N.U.T.S (Novelty, Uncertainty, Threat to the ego, Sense of loss of control). Now comes the time to reconstruct it in a way that we don’t avoid stress but manage it constructively. Research has shown that the opposite of stress is not actually relaxation, but rather resilience.

Resilience is the healthy ability to come up with a “plan B” in the face of stressful situations. It is the flexibility and adaptability to adjust to internal and external demands. It can be mental, emotional, or behavioural and research has shown that it is a key ingredient to success and a very helpful coping mechanism for life’s obstacles and uncertainties.

It is important to reconstruct every stressor individually to properly manage stress. The way to do that is to create plans B to Z (if necessary).  Some of the plans are do-able, some not, but essentially it is re-programming your brain to give it the impression of control, of choice, and of preparedness in the face of uncertainty. Researchers recommend taking an hour for yourself each day in order to deconstruct and reconstruct our stressors and help develop our resilience. Just coming up with a plan B helps to increase the sense of control and decrease the impact of the stressor even if you never actually use it. So even if the stressor is still present, knowing what to do in that specific scenario helps lower it’s effect and therefore we are more resilient towards it.

The following tips are what research recommends we try to increase our resilience and help manage stress:

1. Positivity: Research has shown that looking at stress in a positive frame of mind helps to cope better. If we look at it as a challenge rather than a burden it can help. Changing the narrative, we tell ourselves is not easy and probably not applicable in all cases, but it does help for the majority of situations.
2. Face your fears: Learning to face uncomfortable and stressful situations rather than try to avoid them helps your brain learn that certain situations may seem dangerous at first glance but are not dangerous in reality and only by staying in the situation long enough does our brain and body adapt to it and lower the stress response. If we always run from a situation, then we are actually reinforcing the stress and anxiety we are feeling and we are actually lowering our tolerance to the stressor. Important here to go by baby steps not to overwhelm our brain.
3. Choose not to over-react and deal with stressors one at a time: If you’ve taken the N.U.T.S. sensitivity quiz then you know there are certain stressors you respond to more than others. If a situation activates more than one stressor, it is important to tackle them one at a time. You can go easiest (less triggering) first and finish with your hardest or start with your hardest and then the rest seem much easier to do. Try out both ways and see what works for you. I tend to go hardest first because for me, I will have a much higher chance of procrastinating if I give myself the time to think before tackling the toughest stressor.
4. Be objective: It is possible we are over-identifying with our stressor. “I am stressed”, “I am uncertain…” if instead you think: “I am having the thought that I am stressed” and “I am having the thought that I am uncertain” this creates distance with our thoughts. This activity helps us defuse from our thoughts and realise that we are not our thoughts, just as we are not our stress. What will really happen? What is the most likely scenario? (Not the worst- or best-case scenario…) This will help put things into perspective and may lower the importance and therefore lower the response our brains give in this case.
5. Communication: It is important to connect with people and realise that the situation can be perceived differently by different people. They can help us see the situation through a different view-point and again they can help us modify our perception of the event if we are really stuck at coming up with an answer ourselves. It is important not to isolate ourselves in our stress. People can also serve as a distraction. It can help us take a step back, and perhaps an answer can present itself. Making connections with people can help as well.
6. Acceptance: It is important to learn to accept ourselves and others as we are and learn to accept that some things are out of our control, and it is normal and ok (in most cases). This is difficult to do, I agree, but helps to develop our resilience in the face of adversity.
7. Deal effectively with mistakes and with successes: One is a learning opportunity, the other is a confidence-booster, but important not to stop doing what made you a success. It is important here to forgive your mistakes. A little self-compassion goes a long way to deal with mistakes. Dealing with success is not the same but can come with fear of losing the good things and that is something that must be dealt with as well. Both are growth opportunities and can help develop our resilience, if we put a plan in place for both cases. This point reminds me of the TED talk by Elisabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love). I will leave a link in the resources section. Though you may have seen it already, if you’ve read my series of posts on success.
8. Develop self-discipline and control: Training yourself, finding time to work on your stress rather than avoiding it. Getting those healthy life habits in place that can strengthen your mind, calm your emotions and regulate your behaviours all help with coping with stress and increases our resilience (exercise, good sleep hygiene, journaling, good eating habits, social activities, hobbies, mindfulness and meditation).
9. Practice self-compassion and cultivate forgiveness: We are human. Perfection is not something we can achieve. It is important to accept this and to forgive ourselves our mistakes. Being understanding and forgiving of others is also important for life in a society. This helps cope with stress (in particular the stressor for threats to our ego, which involves the perceived judgment of others…). We are not alone and practicing mindfulness, understanding and awareness of ourselves and our emotions without judging, avoiding or repressing them and expressing them in a healthy way is good for everyone.
10. Maintenance: These strategies and coping mechanisms are not easy. You need to be willing to put in the work. Practice makes perfect (or as close to it as we can get) and to be successful these tips need to be done repeatedly and consistently. Don’t give up and keep at it. They are supposed to get easier with time and practice.

Find the coping strategy that works for you and work to apply it to your daily life. It is not easy, but it is an important life skill to learn. Stress is not bad, unless it is chronic, and these coping strategies and tricks will help lower the impact on your health.

If like me, coming up with plans A to Z is too difficult and the only thing you come up with are extremes that are not very realistic, seeking professional help may be the way to go. Or at least seeking help from someone outside your situation. They can help you break down the stress into it’s components (N.U.T.S.). They can help you come up with a plan to address each stressor. Try on your own first; however, as we do get more benefit from coming up with our own solutions. If we are stuck, and stress is getting to us, a change in perspective given with someone else’s help may be all we need to get back our feeling of control, our confidence in ourselves, our excitement over new things and our resilience in the face of uncertainty. You are not alone.

Was this series helpful? Which coping strategy for stress will you try? Please leave a comment below.

Thank you for reading.

“Stress is not what happens to us. It’s our response to what happens. And response is something we can choose.”

– Maureen Killoran

Resources

https://www.mindspacewellbeing.com/episode-12-the-science-of-stress-and-stress-reduction-with-professor-sonia-lupien/

https://humanstress.ca/covid-19-reconstructing-stress-to-build-resilience/

https://humanstress.ca/stress/trick-your-stress/stress-management-quick-fixes/

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_science_backed_strategies_to_build_resilience

TED talk